HITTING IS FOR PANEL BEATERS

        I know that majority of our readers are probably unmarried but I'm sure most if not all of us want to experience the thrills of marriage eventually. That said, I read a story on www.ofilispe 
 

aks.com (I say 'I read' a lot, don't I? Lol) about a woman whose husband burnt her with hot iron and killed her son! That's her in the picture.  Now, my question is, what on God's green goodness could have made a living, breathing human do something so callous to someone they once claimed to love? Domestic violence is never right, under no circumstances is it justifiable to hit your spouse. Marriage is meant to be a partnership not a serf-baron relationship. Domestic violence, as unbelievable as it may seem, is a two-way thing.    
     Before you marry someone, you should have courted the person for a reasonable amount of time. Now, don't get me wrong, every now and then there are people so dubious that you can't tell their true characters even after months with them. There are also those who show you that they desperately need anger management, but us girls  tend to see only what we want to see. They say love is blind, there should probably be a saying like 'Love has odeeshi' (it does not enter) ; Because how else would you explain a guy hitting his girlfriend and the girl not dumping his sorry behind that very second! Ladies, do not be deceived, don't tell yourself. 'He was angry', 'he's not like that', 'he apologised'. If he hit you once, whether ten years or twenty minutes from now, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. Let me advise you to advise yourself. "Oh girl, pack your things and pick race!!!" Its better to leave with your organs intact than stick it out in the name of love and die.

          Sometimes, its not even easy to leave. He's possessive, powerful and fearful. My dear you are  Superwoman! If anyone deserves happiness it's you. You shouldn't have to suffer beating. Slave trade was abolished centuries ago, nobody has the right to make you feel anything less than awesome. If he is crazy and doesn't let you leave, use your brains, call a  family member or a friend and do not hesitate if someone wants to help you, don't be brainwashed, Violence is not love!

        Guys, Beating your wife should be right next to poverty on your dreaded lifetime list. Women will nag, insult, shout, annoy; trust me you're not perfect either but nothing she will do will ever make it ok to hit her. If you think you have a hot temper, channel it into making Nigeria better. If you want to hit something to ease out the frustration, my father's mechanic or 'engineer' as he likes to call him, will appreciate the help with all the cars he needs to panel beat. Think of it this way, every guy adores his mum. How would you feel if you saw you dad or anyone hitting your mum? Rage, Instinct to protect......remember that picture when you feel like hitting your wife and flee before the devil uses you because the Judge that will try you won't hear ' it was the devil's handwork' and if you just do it for sadistic pleasure. Ha! Then my friend, your gateman post is waiting for you in Hell oh!    
     All this would just be words if we don't change our mentality. We gravitate towards the most handsome or most beautiful and the wealthiest partners, overlooking other traits and the thing is people show little signs of their true characters, but we choose to overlook them. Its a start to control your anger and promise not to hit your spouse but for those crazy people who do hit their wives, there is a way to help. Send an email to ngozi.ilondu@projectalertnig.org. Project Alert is an N.G.O concerned with domestic violence. There is a law in Lagos prohibiting domestic violence, let's make some noise and increase the awareness. Send an email to the email address provided above asking what you can do to help. Don't think this doesn't concern you, your sister could be suffering for all you know. And remember, if you must hit something, my dad's 'engineer' is in Lekki oooh!                                                                                                    


                                                                                                                    Erin Silver
                                                                                                                    @nky_otk  on twitterwww.ofilispeaks.com

The god of NEPA

GRAND COMMANDER OF THE ORDER OF DARKNESS II

Please click here to read Part 1 of this article

“A belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.” -Joseph Conrad.

Power Hoarding Company of Nigeria, PHCN has proved the truth in Joseph Conrad’s words. Since I posted part 1 of this article, I have not seen NEPA generated electricity in my house with my two eyes or even in my dream. Many of our readers nationwide also complained to me that the moment they opened the link to this story to read it, electricity has become a scarce commodity in their homes. I had to call a prayer warrior in my church who after intense prayers revealed that the father of one of our readers works in PHCN, and he got to read the story through his daughter who showed it to him. And true enough, one of my friends on my Whatsapp list messaged me to confirm this. I have been begging her since to tell her father that he shouldn’t take the article personally.
They finally decided to bring the light after three days of perpetual darkness, but alas, the
light they brought was the true definition of a Greek gift- completely useless. It only succeeded in blowing up all the bulbs in my house, as well as my laptop charger. It seems that they are trying to kill my career. But HE that is in me...

As I write this, it is in fear of the most powerful erst-while public corporation in the country. PHCN seems to have a god who oversees their activities and directs the amount of light that each part of the country should have. This god has successfully proved throughout the country that he is not only to be respected, but also be feared. I remember the period during 2002 FIFA World Cup when our Pastor used to include NEPA in his prayer points for the week. There were also times before Fashola became the governor of Lagos State that you would wake up to find sacrifices just in front of the transformer to appease the god of electricity. I want to vehemently re-iterate, that this god of PHCN should be held in awe in all Nigerian homes. Of course, there are Nigerians who had the privilege of growing up without knowing what NEPA is. These are people whose fathers probably stole millions of naira meant for the development of the country in general and hid in Swiss banks. The rest of us, whose parents religiously paid their taxes were taught at an early age the different mannerisms with which to pay homage to the god of NEPA. Whenever they feel like ‘bringing’ the light, we have to show our appreciation by shouting “UP NEPAAAAAA!!!’ And believe me, the god of NEPA is an omnipresent diety who is always listening to see whether your shout is loud and genuine enough.
This god of NEPA has a way of announcing himself in grand style during Premier League matches on Saturday. He will show us that power does not belong to the masses but the elite just when Van Persie is about to score. And also on Tuesday and Wednesday night during Champions League matches. He also strikes just when the movie has got to that interesting point where Tonto Dikeh is about to slap Nonso Diobi for ‘toasting’ her. And of course, if you are watching the movie on Africa Magic, you will know that the few seconds that it would take to switch on the generator would cost you the satisfaction of actually seeing Nonso Diobi getting slapped.

But given their recent exploits in the homes of Nigerian masses, I would like to confer a National Award on behalf of the Exploited Citizens of Nigeria to this great company: The Grand Commander of the Order of Darkness. Please, if you know anybody that knows anybody that knows the PRO of PHCN, ask him to come ahead and collect the award, because we must give honour to whom honour is due.

                              ****

There was a time in 2011 when President Goodluck Jonathan promised Nigerians that “By the year 2012, Nigerians will not need generators again.” When I heard that, I immediately said ‘Amen’ because it is only by divine intervention that such can only come to pass in this country. True to GEJ’s words, electricity supply increased tremendously throughout the country in the year 2012. But it seems that there will always be a select group of badbellles in this country, people whose births were monitored by witches, who pride themselves in sabotaging resources meant for the good of the Nigerian masses. These badbelles exist in every cadre of the Nigerian society- from the hot shot politician who works in the Ministry of Power to the Permanent Secretaries that divert funds to their private accounts, down to the secretaries and clerks who refuse to be meticulous in their handling of files. These are obviously the men capable of every wickedness that Joseph Conrad spoke about.
We are in the twenty-first century, when the issue of electricity should not be a priority item in this country that enjoys abundant sunlight. The first step to overcoming this malady is to play our part by paying our taxes and NEPA bills promptly. To quote Governor Fashola, “It is when the citizens have played their part by paying their taxes that they can expect the Government to do things for them."

P.S:   Imagine yourself as a parent, and you ask your child that million-dollar question: “What do you want to become when you grow up?” and receive the reply: “I wantchu be a NEPA man when I grow up.” What would your reaction be?

Pls, don't share this article with anyone who has relatives working in PHCN. I have had enough of them.

I am oluwanonso_Esq on Twitter.

GRAND COMMANDER OF THE ORDER OF DARKNESS

Today, we shall be taking a course in Electrical and Electronics Engineering (Elect/Elect). We shall be focusing solely on the most minor source of electricity in Nigeria: the Public Power Sector.
NEPA, the giver and taker of light, the sole administrator for night marauders and protector of all evils is the public agency in charge of electricity distribution in Nigeria (let’s call them NEPA for now). Recent studies indicate that NEPA is one of the most popular agencies in Nigeria. In fact, I am jealous of NEPA’s popularity because hardly a day goes by without people discussing them. My little cousins’ first words in this world was “UP NEPA!” Can you imagine? This girl that had refused to talk for nearly eight months suddenly shouted those magic words about a month ago when NEPA decided to prove their power. And then you can imagine her disappointment when they then took the light barely two minutes later.

The history of NEPA can be traced back to the end of the 19th century when the first generating power plant was installed in Lagos in 1898. Then in 1950, the Electricity Corporation of Nigeria (NEPA’s father) passed an ordinance (whatever that means) with which they were married to the Niger Damn Authority (I mean Niger DAM Authority).  Imagine, it took 23 years before this marriage finally produced a child. The parents had to visit different Babalawos before one powerful Alfa in Ogun State was able to break this barrenness. Thus, ECN and NDA gave birth to NEPA on January 6, 1973.

Then in 1989, under Gen. Ibrahim Babangida, several private investors began to toast NEPA. But most of these private investors were only interested in getting into her pants, and only a few were actually interested in marrying her. But Ibrahim Babngida, who was NEPA’s guardian at that time (her parents ECN and NDA were dead) did not want anyone messing with   NEPA, so he passed a decree, stating that the monopoly of all commercial electricity supply shall be enjoyed by NEPA to the exclusion of all other organisations.
In 2005, Obasanjo began to receive gifts from different men who were interested in NEPA. You see, NEPA was enjoying so great a monopoly of darkness that business men began to get concerned and then they tried using gifts to get the Commander-in-Chief to opt for privatisation. Plans for privatisation started under Obasanjo’s tenure. In April, NEPA officially changed their name from NEVER EXPECT POWER ALWAYS to PROBLEM HAS CHANGED HANDS (PHCN) by which it is known today. The real reason for this change of name is to minimise the abuses that Nigerians heap on them daily. PHCN is a four syllabic word while the pronunciation of NEPA is two-syllabic. This means that it takes twice the effort to say PHCN than to say NEPA. Thus, when they ‘take’ light, and you want to abuse them for their callousness, it will sound somewhat stressful to say “God punish PHCN”. I am sure that the collective insults from Nigerians around the country must have taken its toll on their officials before they sought for spiritual help where it was revealed that their name is the major cause of their bad luck. Thus they decided to change their name to PHCN in 2005. This change of name was accompanied by a change in management, and the Director General of this darkness producing company was changed to an Ijebu man (you know how Ijebu people like holding things like aka gum). This Ijebu Director General brought in his kinsmen to head the Electricity Distribution Division in the company. The switchboard operators were also changed to Ijebus. Those who were not Ijebus by origin but managed to be employed were made to swear an oath as a prerequisite to their employment that they must perform up to their nomenclature to hold power constantly, even when is cheaper to release it…

It seems that the time allotted for this lecture is over. So we will have to adjourn this class till next week.

IMPORTANT: This article is devoid of any intention to malign any ethnic group or group of persons in this country. All references to ethnic groups are mainly for humour.
Abeg… make una hear ooo. Before one badbelle go carry me go court.  

I am oluwanonso_Esq on Twitter.

The Davido Mentality

DAVIDO GIVES BACK

I stumbled upon this information yesterday and I couldn’t resist posting it. Nigerian pop star David Adeleke a.k.a Davido added one more year to his very young age as he clocked 21. What better way for him to start his day than to exhibit a very generous spirit by giving back to the society that made him who he is today. Davido started his day at the Ikeja Government Primary School where he blessed the pupils with stationery and electronic learning aids. He then visited the Heart of Gold Children’s Hospice and also the Heritage Homes Orphanage where he blessed the residents with gifts of love. Of course, donations to orphanages is not a new thing in this country where wealth abounds in magnitude. But as equity always look to the intention, one must agree that his intentions where purely noble and gallant. Davido is one who technically did not achieve the great heights where he is today through the society. Popularly referred to Omo Baba Olowo, he is the son of a Baba Olowo (Google the meaning).
What I love about his actions is that he did it quietly without ‘louding’ it as is characteristic of most Nigerian politicians today. Had it been that popular ‘maga’ in PDP who decided to do same the same, he would have made sure that all the television cameras in the country where at the scene of wherever he wanted to donate a few ‘chicken change’ to the children from whose parents he had stolen money. And then our ‘Bros’ in APC, in a bid not to be outdone will make sure that his own donation receives CNN coverage.

How many politicans today even remember to give to the less privileged on their birthdays? Except perhaps when elections are around the corner. And if ever they bother to donate anything, their donations will always be accompanied by fliers and grandiloquent propaganda filled speeches, asking the people to vote for them. I wish that these old politicians should take a cue from Davido who did not even sell a single track or brainwash his benefa ctors to listen to his track.
Davido, as we say, ‘Your mama born you well”. I hope you will continue the philanthropic works, and also sing good songs that will add value to the lives of Nigerians. You have already displayed your generous attitude with the Skelewu Dance Competition in September.

See the pictures. O boy, these gallons and trucks no be here oooo.

WHO IS FOOLING WHO?

And so it had happened that Aunty Stella’s idealistic nature was overpowered by her practical side. Though she was very much another politician on the take, she never allowed the perks of stolen wealth attract her.

From their point of view, the senate might think they are doing us a great favour by opting to investigate the alleged misappropriation of funds by our first-rate aviation minister, Stella Oduah. But of course, we all know where and how their whole charade would turn up. Characteristic of them, they have threatened fire and hailstones when we all know that nothing good would come out of their endless probing. Well, our legislators are always top of the line in their profession. In a seemingly well-practiced act, they have decided to investigate our genteel of an aviation minister. Alas! We are no strangers to their endless comic displays. It’s been long since we last attach any weighted meaning to the scenes being proffered by our comedian-legislators.

The British Statesman, Winston Churchill once declared, "There comes a time in the life of a man (well in this case, a woman) when he would be figuratively tapped on the shoulders (such a time presented itself to our aviation minister) and offered the chance to do a very special thing unique to him and fitted to his talents (considering the Nigerian polity, this rarely classifies as being unique when compared to our fuel subsidy thieves and police pension thief, sorry, boss). What a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for that which would have been his finest hour."
As a well-bred Nigerian politician, Stella quickly rose to the occasion in unfaltering
cadence. Let that senator who is without a private jet cast the first stone.

Well, Aunty Stella, don’t mind them. That’s how they would be poking their pot-bellies into other people’s affairs. The word jealousy certainly would do no justice to describe their actions. I don’t blame their masochist, old-fashioned and palm-wine blurred reasoning. They don’t have the slightest inkling of how much a tube of Mary Kaycosts.
They think the meagre billions being appropriated yearly to your ministry
is enough to buy the soap you bath with. At least, you are being magnanimous
enough by patching our runways with some of your Mary Kay. You’ve always provided us with expired flying coffins while you take pride in flying state-of-the-art
aircrafts, just as the aviation sector is in a total state of upheaval. Indeed, you are not a learner!

Only God knows what position and status they would have bestowed on James Ibori had the British criminal justice not run to our aid. So the senate should stop fooling themselves, for we all are witnesses to how the Tony Anenihs, Farouk Lawans, Patricia Ettehs, Arunma Ottehs and recently, Diepreye Alamieyeseighas are gallivanting within the corridors of power unabashedly leaving us in an utter state of perplexity. Indeed, ours are ministering with a difference.
               

God bless   Nigeria.

Written by Collins Arikor.

Lions, Barefeet and Courage

Since university lecturers do not seem willing to return to their lecture theatres until the Federal Government is ready to hand over the whole National treasury to them, let me assume the role of a History teacher today.

This is a legend (or should I say myth?) that has been spurn in the home of every sport loving Nigerian family. It is the story of the legendary match between Nigeria and India where India thrashed (sounds too mild- hammered, trounced, whipped, and slaughtered) the Green Eagles of Nigeria by 99 goals to 1. Aha! That is the one I am talking about. India 99-1 Nigeria. If you didn’t hear this story, and you are at least in Junior Secondary school, then it means that you either didn’t grow up in the country, or you are an extreme Ajebo- the type whose fathers steal millions of naira meant for the development of the country and hide in Swiss banks.

TALES FROM ACROSS THE NIGER

   

  With every passing and fleeing second, Anambra State is coming closer to electing another first citizen for a four-year period. As usual, the terrain is fraught with different crevasses. Few words in a dictionary could sufficiently describe the rising tension in the state. The plots is surely thick to provide us with enough twists in the tale. Besides being recently inducted into the much coveted oil-producing states of Nigeria. Anambra State has a lot to offer us historically. It gave us a Chinua Achebe-unarguably the greatest African writer of all times, and a Chimamanda Adichie,another rising literary giant. In the field of mathematics ,the greatest Nigerian mathematician happened to hail from the state and I assure you it was by no means a coincidence that Philip Emeagwali, the computer prodigy happened to be from Anambra state. Entertainment wise, the legendary king of Igbo highlife music, the late Osita Osadebe came from Anambra state, and not to forget current hip-hop sensation ,P-square,(personally, I like those guys).
              Despite having such array of grandeur, politics in the state is not without its share of intrigues and so when the Supreme court deemed it fit that Anambra state gubernatorial polls should run differently from other Nigerian States, few people gave that a second thought for Anambra state has been known to offer diverse forms of history. The current governorship race seems to be thinning down to a three way affair between former governor Chris Ngige of APC, incumbent-blessed Willie Obiano of APGA and money bag Ifeanyi Ubah of the Labour party. In all fairness to other aspirants, it is certain they stand a chance to be in Goverment house, Awka come November 16,2013,but for goodness sake! the promise by Ifeatu Ekelem of African Democratic Congress(ADC) to build five universities-a fact which Nollywood is yet to come to terms with seems a preposterous illusion of hope and so does the political aspirations of Okeke Chika Jerry of the Action
 Alliance(AA) except of course as Chinua Achebe captures it in his short story, the voter, they want it to be known that there was a time they contested Anambra gubernatorial polls.
               And of course(trust Naija politics),the politics of calumny is doubtlessly thick in the buildup to the polls.Blatant accusations are being leveled at one another by the candidates. one omnious spectacle is the actions of the ruling party who seem to have finally decided on Tony Nwoye to bear their flag in the elections after their horrendous show of debacle.
         Well, whichever way the pendulum decides to swing come November 16 ,one fact stands sure:16 November,2013 is going to be another epoch-making day that would be etched in the annals of Anambra state history and by extension, Nigerian history.




                                                                                                                   COLLINS ARIKOR

NIGERIA CANNOT BE COMMERCIALIZED

When the Westminster System of Government was in force in Nigeria, Prime Minister Tafawa Balewa was too futuristic to have urged Nigerians to “move with quiet dignity to our place on the world stage”. On a fifty-three (53) years journey to nationhood, our destination to the world stage has been greeted by chapters of accident, amongst which is the long proposed commercialization of Nigeria. In as much as Nigerians want her country to grow amongst the Comity of States, constructive criticisms of some religiously coated and defective characters in and out of government, does not amount to aggression or hatred of her country; for to criticize one’s country is to render her service and pay her compliments.

 

          Eleven days after Nigeria got her political independence on October 1, 1960, the Sardauna of Sokoto, Sir Ahmadu Bello said, as was carried by the Parrot Newspaper on October 12, 1960, that: “The nation called Nigeria should be an estate of our great grandfather Othman Dan Fodio. We must ruthlessly prevent a change of power. We use the minorities in the North as willing tools and the South as a conquered territory and never allow them to rule over us and never allow them to have control over their future”. General Muhammadu Buhari (rtd) did not hide his feelings towards President Goodluck Jonathan’s presidential ambition when he said that; “There may be no Nigeria. I draw parallel with Somalia as many times (Somalisation of Nigeria). I am scared about that. Somalia; they are one ethnic group, one religion, Islam, but for eighteen (18) years, Somalia became so selfish, so corrupt, so undisciplined and they have wrecked the country”. Former Vice President Atiku Abubakar was not spared from this bandwagon when he said that, “Those who make peaceful change impossible will make violent change inevitable”.

          I cannot but classify these old men as little children still suckling their mother’s breast. Nigeria is a democratic State founded on the principles of Equality Justice and Freedom, and not a theocratic State founded on the dogmas of Ethnicity, Religiosity, and Devilry where some politicians decide that the compass of government will be operated from the North or a different section of the country. I can remember when some Northern Governors said that power must return to the North by 2015. This appears very contradictory, that I am forced to ask whether the North is a country per se. The leaders clamoring for the return of power to the North have not fully laid down their own bed. There are about seven (7) million underage girls who are out of school in the North. The highest level of poverty in the country stems from the North. The highest level of illiteracy is in the North. The slowest pace of development is also from the North and yet they say power must return to the North. The Governors of these Northern States no doubt receive their statutory allocations and other fringe benefits accruing from the States and Local Government Consolidated Revenue Account. In spite of all these fiscal arrangement, the North has remained backward and stagnant in development. I wonder how one who cannot manage effectively a small apartment, dares to think of managing a larger one. Let us not be quick to forget the diabolical statement made by Buhari after he lost out to President Jonathan in the 2011 presidential elections, that “he will make this Nation ungovernable for him”. True to his words, the recent upsurge of the deadly Islamic sect, Boko Haram has left much to be desired. In their bid to eradicating Western education, a lot of Nigerians have fallen to their sword.

          On the issue of the proposed National dialogue, the Governor of Jigawa State, Sule Lamido audaciously said that the State will not field any representative in the dialogue, as if Jigawa State is not part of Nigeria.

          No matter what these and other emissaries of rift try to speedy up the division of this nation by commercializing it to a section, Nigeria still remains one and an indivisible country where notwithstanding ones ethnic affiliations and religious denomination, any competent leader from any part of the country can via elections, ascend and pilot the compass of government. From the North, East, South and West of Nigeria, the language of unity and the air of freedom must continue to be spoken and breathe amongst our leaders and the led every moment of a passing day. No matter what 2015 holds, Nigerians continue to live not only as a geographical entity but as a united State still on the journey to her place on the world stage.

 

 

                                                                                               DAVIDSON

 

DARE TO DREAM



Zuriel Oduwole with Mrs. Portia Miller, Prime Minister of Jamaica

I was reading a story in Linda Ikeji’s Blog some days ago (Any LIBers in the house? hehe) and I saw the story of Zuriel Oduwole, the 11 year old who has taken the world by storm by being the youngest person to have been interviewed by Forbes and for her passion to enhance education of the girl child in Africa. This girl even before her teenage years has achieved most of the things we wrote in   our essays back in primary school that we wanted to do as adults.

    She, by following a dream which was borne out of a school projects has met with and interviewed majority of the leaders in Africa and even has a computer lab in her name in Tanzania. Some of you might say ‘it’s only because her parents were rich enough to get her those opportunities, all fingers are not equal….’; but the thing is, it’s such excuses that we give ourselves as a reason not to chase our dreams. Every one of us has been blessed with a talent, some multiple talents even to shine and do awesome things but we choose to hide in corners and give ourselves excuses not to soar.

  There’s never a time to early to start chasing a goal and there’s definitely no deadline for one either. I’m sure the Lagos guys reading this know about KFC, yes that place that you took that babe and she sucked you dry; the owner of KFC  Colonel Harland Sanders was what we call ‘bad market’. He had more than ten jobs in his lifetime, most of which he was fired from for insubordination or getting into an altercation. At one point, he was even a lawyer and got into a fight with his own client! It was during one of his numerous jobs that he started making chicken for people and at the age of 65 found his true calling. Now, you can’t think of chicken without thinking of KFC.

Colonel Harland Sanders, founder of KFC

  Also, there’s never a dream to small. It’s probably in our nature as humans but we should learn not to look down on people or even judge people based on their circumstances. You never truly know the true story without being told by the person who experienced it. I also read about this young girl who got into university at fifteen, very bright; only to become pregnant at 18. Of course, the preacher in all of us would go ‘see how this girl just mumu-ed herself now.‘ Well she had the baby and dropped out of school as she couldn’t cope with motherhood and academics while so young. Her father was enraged of course but she took to selling goods and later got back into a private university to study business administration due to her experience from sales. This time, she didn’t make any mistakes; she finished as the best graduating student of her year. This is a true story o, just to let us know that the only thing that can hold you back from being awesome is actually you, not the witch climbing NEPA pole in your village, or the girl giving you bad eye in your class; Just YOU.

    So, don’t let anything or anyone stop you. If you have that talent, develop it and let the world celebrate you. Money isn’t a wall; it may be an obstacle but remember that God puts up the hardest obstacles for his toughest soldiers. The World is waiting!!!