5 major reasons why girls never get Mr. Right

   Yeah, I specifically chose this topic; because a Mr. Right like me has really gotten tired of seeing young ladies try to get me, only to end up becoming lesbians. So I decided to come up with reasons why I didn’t show up after the first date… (Coughs)

(1) Settling for perfection- Yeah I said I was Mr. Right…but ain’t nobody said I was Mr. Perfect. For crying out loud I don’t have a car…deal with it. Why, must I own a car? Why don’t you just buy me one then? If you feel it is a passage rite…mtcheeewww. And yeah am also short like Kelvin Hart and I currently rent a small room. but I have a bright future not just because I am a graduate but because I have a vision. You observed this through my conversations with you. I explained  to you my short and long term goals. Women always ask me, ‘What’s wrong with wanting someone who makes money, owns mansions, loves kids, tall like Xexes, cute like Absalom, and gentle like Romeo?’ I’ll answer ‘Because you are looking for an image of a man from the movies, a superman and a Taylor swift musical’. Truth is, I promise to buy you a gallardo, but you gatta chill, girl….. if you put me on hold….till I have the money, I’ll hang up when the money shows up …pronto.

(2) Bitch Mode Syndrome- I was at the cinema, one day I could almost swear this pretty girl was looking at me, but just when I was about to reciprocate with a wink. I got the greatest turn off…THE BITCH MODE face…damn, you should have seen it, mehn. This girl suddenly frowned and twisted her neck to the left like a Spanish flu patient who just lost her pills and had been condemned to die miserably. I later learnt from a reliable source that she was purportedly sending me coy messages. I gatta admit it was pretty scary when I saw that girl’s face. I was even more scared when I realized that all that stunt was a charade to communicate with me. HELL NO…like say she wan tell me about marriage unkur, which ‘BITCH MODE face’ she go cum pull (sleepy hallows or underworld?). Ladies it will not take life from you if you can walk up to me, someday and say ‘hi, I love your name Mr. Right, can I be your woman’…ok that’s kinda too far, but hey, a simple smile could boost my morale to converse with you. #justsaying

(3) Conversation Frustrater- Check this out;    Mr. Right: hello,
Chick: hi//
Mr. Right: so what’s up now?
Chick: nofin //
Mr. Right: yeah, you look really pretty,
Chick: thanks//
Mr. Right: so I am a student of UNIBEN. What about you?
Chick:lol, kk, later.
Obviously this is an online chat conversation but It gets worse if this is a face to face conversation. Listen ladies, men only fall in love with you when you can maintain a good, meaningful conversation. It only amounts to frustration on a man’s perception when all a chick does is to look him in the eye and mutter those emotionless, truncated and somewhat witchlike words like cool, great, nice, very funny, nothing, lool, aii, okay bye. Etc. then it baffles me when I am with a lady and the only thing she talks about is CREDIT, EX BOYFRIEND, ANNOYING ROOMATE, SHOPING (eeeee yeeee) etc.

(4) Li-on-ess Path- The greatest turn off for me is lies. Be a flirt, be a gold digger, be a hoe, be a thief but don’t lie to me. Ok don’t be any of what I previously mentioned. But in all sincerity I gag when a good-looking lady tells me she is serving her NYSC in New York and she’s a graduate of Edo girls High School University of Nigeria (true story). Ladies It doesn’t hurt to be honest; any man who doesn’t love you for who you are does not deserve to be your Mr. Right. When a lady lies she gives a different picture of herself to her listeners and makes it hard for her Mr. Right to identify her…she becomes a queenserpent or a lie-on-ness.

(5) Not-my-problem-syndrome- It’s crazy when a young pretty girl will watch you sweat your fluids out as your verve card shames you in a shopping mall or restaurant, it’s really sad when ladies views men as piggy banks. Look, my mom told me, when she was dating my old man, that she always carried an extra change…she always playfully offered to foot the bills and my father gradually appreciated her coy effort to show responsibility, she won his heart and hey, they gave birth to Mr. Right(I can’t shout). Ladies all over the world especially in Nigeria. Men only treat you like shit if you behave like shit. You look like a prize because he spent a lot of money getting you and you broke no sweat giving in. Mr. Right will never go on a second date with a lady who lacks responsibility.

   In conclusion, a lady with a beautiful exterior does not have a license to a good man, until her mental and psychological powers are discerning with all sense of humility, truth and responsibility. In a nutshell a woman that hardly smiles is a hater, a woman that always wait for you to compliment her is a player, a woman who states what she’s not is a lie-on, a woman that neglects common courtesy lacks maturity and should be locked up in my room for a cleansing ritual after which she should not call my number or remember my name or even look back. After all its not her problem. Women who are more approachable and have a visage graced with smiles earn respect and admiration from Real Men…period

By Essay Palmer (@essaypalmer)

Palmer is a debut writer for the Legal Watchmen.

IT'S A HOOK! IT'S A SICKLE! OH WAIT, IT'S AN EYEBROW.

         Before I begin, If you know you have high blood pressure or fear of crooked lines, you might want to overlook the pictures in this post lol. Now that we have that out of the way, in my not so many years on this earth I can definitely say my eyes have seen so many things whose descriptions would put Patrick Obahiagbon’s vocabulary to shame. One of those things my people, is drawn eyebrows.

       From the ones that look like they were drawn with rulers and French curves to those that might have been traced with the bottom of Pringles containers! There is really no shortage of shapes and sizes of  eyebrows these days. We all see the beautiful pictures of brides and makeup artists on Instagram and our Barbie senses start to tingle and we all want to get the look. But the thing is that getting the look takes practice and knowledge of what an actual eyebrow actually looks like, this knowledge seems to be becoming very difficult to find because more and more women leave their houses with what looks like the less than symbol standing on its side (‹). We all make fun of face-to-face houses but in these kind of situations, one of the cures may be remanding such people to such apartments just so there are enough people to ask ‘ How do I look? ’ before they leave the house.

THE HOOK!

THE SICKLE....

     At least every other day, I see a girl or woman either with horrible eyebrows or a very good demonstration of the colours of the rainbow on her face. Makeup, contrary to popular opinion isn’t meant to drive clowns out of business, I believe its meant to enhance beauty. Funny as this topic may sound, especially when you start to remember that woman you know who is guilty of drawing the  sickle eyebrows, we all have a big role to play in ridding our eyes of this menace. Firstly, if you know someone who leaves the house everyday looking like something out of Scooby Doo, be your sister’s keeper and call her aside and tell her nicely that her makeup doesn’t look nice. Yes, you will encounter some stubborn ones who will stand on the fact that they look prettier than they ever have, if you try and they don’t listen, she’ll probably listen when she starts to trend on twitter #sicklebrows.

     Also, those of us who admire the perfection of eyebrows we see on other people and don’t know how to achieve them have the choice of meeting professionals and paying them to get it done for us or leaving your eyebrows as they are. Natural is beautiful. The last piece of advice goes to NTA, AIT, Channels or whatever national TV station would like to improve their ratings. I think it would be a good idea to have a get ready with me segment as early as 6 or 7 so women who are getting ready for work or school could tune in and have a step by step guide on how to apply their makeup. Whichever station picks this  up should pay me for my idea oh.

      Have a great week and remember to buy a mirror and ask your neighbour how you look. Don’t push clowns out of business.