UKWU RAVE

                                                

It seems a new madness seems to be sweeping through the Nigerian pubescent society: the love for the two-fold mound of flesh located on the posterior of a woman’s pelvic region, otherwise known by various assorted monikers, including buttocks, ass, fanny, butt, booty, bum, bumbum, yansh, and more recently, Ukwu. This love is one which I cannot bring myself to comprehend.

Indeed, a woman has two major natural ‘selling points’ in her business of attracting members of the opposite sex: her anterior mammary projection and the posterior rump of flesh. The anterior mammary glands, which were initially intended to be mechanisms for the feeding of babies have been utilised by members of both sex as a powerful tool for the derivation of pleasure, enjoyment, as well as power.

In those days, when morals were still held in esteem, our parents probably told our sisters that the mere ‘touch’ of a man could get them pregnant. I remember a friend of mine narrating to me the tales her mum had told her while she was growing up. Some of the preposterous tales include:

·        Young people with big tummies have had lots of abortions.

·        Young girls with big boobs have had them touched or even sucked by guys.

·        Girls that have large asses that can wriggle have been romped by a guy, because only married women could wriggle their asses.

·        Urinating with a shrilling sound is a sign that you are no longer a virgin.

I could not help but laugh my skinny arse in bewilderment when I heard that. And of course, you may be shocked to discover that some of the sorry recipients of these tales actually took their time to believe the tales, and were spell bound by the fear of the repercussions.  Many married women essentially take this mentality into their matrimonial homes and pass across the same message to their daughters.

But, let us in a momentary bid, play the devil’s advocate by giving the benefit of doubt to the above tales. Especially the one about wriggling bums. If indeed a girl with a large bumbum that can wriggle is exhibiting signs that she has been smashed by a guy, and this implies that the intensity and dexterity of the wriggling will reveal the intensity, dexterity, and frequency of the smashing. This will unfortunately mean that there are no more virgins in this country. *runs away**

It never ceases to amaze me as to the lengths girls in this contemporaneous society are prepared to go in order to prove to the male folk that she has a large fanny which can wriggle. Of course, the influence of Western pop culture is an intoxicating one which has turned the attention of our youths towards American superstar models. Which girl doesn’t want to be as rich and sexy like Kim Kardashian?

In the pre-Kardashian days, breasts, otherwise known as boobs were major points of attraction (in its natural form), and were held in high esteem by members of both sex. The mere fact that the mammary glands had a noble alternative use was enough to create apposite respect from both sexes. Males respect it because they were breast-fed by their mothers in their infancy. Females respect it because they are well aware that it is one of the peculiar pride of womanhood. However, with the rise of plastic surgery and breast implants and transplants, the respect for the mammary glands began to decline, and attention was shifted to the other focal point of a woman’s tangible sexuality.

The bad thing is that while most of our youths blindly indulge in a mass “copy and paste” of Western culture, we tend to do so without even an inkling of the slightest regard for rationality. Many forget their natural ‘selling points’ and begin to acquire artificial relics which only results in to the reduction of the durability of their natural assets. Prove me wrong if you can, but any mammary gland (posterior or anterior) which has undergone major modification cannot compete with an unadulterated and infrangible version in terms of durability, resilience, and robustness. Have we ever wondered why breast cancer is more recurrent amongst Americans than Nigerians?

Foreign artistes, as well as our indigenous songsters, when not singing about their love for money, or their obvious madness, or their love for a particular woman, now seem to concentrate on the bumbum. Iyanya’s Lekwa Ukwu and Timaya’s Ukwu, amongst many other such tunes are testimonies. There is no doubt that we have an acute shortage of lyric-wise artistes in the country. Emphasis is placed more on obscene vulgarities and the beat of the song than the lyrics. Hence, every kid in Nigeria who has a father that can back the cost of producing a song track, albeit how horrible his voice might be, fancies himself to be a super star.

The Nollywood industry has also contributed immensely to the development of the ukwu rave in Nigeria. Actresses with a generous posterior endowment are hailed as divas, and are looked up to as role models, not because of what the person has to offer, but simply because of the physical properties she possesses. Many young girls would therefore deem it pertinent to adopt all measures in ensuring that they look almost like their idol, without due regard for the peculiar circumstances surrounding each artistes’ endowment. Permit me to use Tiwa Savage’s style of pampering her face with excessive make-up as a point of reference. While she looks very good in it, many young girls (some are reading this post) in a bid to look as good as she does, refuse to consider the fact that Tiwa Savage has an atypical facial structure which favours the use of disproportionate make-up. They only end up enhancing the malevolent and aesthetically-discouraging qualities of their face. This explains why we have masquerades parading the streets of Nigeria.

Applying the same logic to the enhancement of the butt, girls, in a bid to look as sexy as Omotola or Funke Akindele (*hides**) seek alternative means of enhancing their bumbum. 

Those with money go for the permanent repertoire of undergoing butt-surgery, where different kinds of sheet are packed into their bums. They are easily identified by their propensity to visit the toilet very often, and their tendency to release varieties of life threatening messes and farts. The other girls who do not have the means to foot the cost of a butt surgery go for the different assortment of butt pads that seem to have invaded our market. Any girls who claims to have “packaged” is a living testimony to this.

 

When will our girls realise that beauty lies not just in the eyes of the beholder, but also of the beholden?

 Ramblings of a Believer.

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