DRIVING WITH CRAZY- The Finale.

Foreword.

       This is the last episode of the series Driving With Crazy. It’s been an honor taking this journey with Aisha and Alex and everyone who has taken out time to read any of the episodes. It means a lot. I hope we’ll reunite in the next post or story. Now to the good stuff….

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS….. (The Finale.)

To see all episodes, go here

     After driving like a crazy person down the express way and receiving insults from other motorists for flying down the road like a bat out of hell; I got to Nena's house. Kehinde's directions had been surprisingly easy to follow. I knew the way the house from the town market, so at least I wasn't too bad with directions. As I got out of the car with the box of Nena's shoes in one hand I was tempted to lie flat and kiss the ground! I had never been so happy to see the cream walls of Nena's family house. The devil's plan to keep me from this wedding did not work! I went around to the boot of the car and got Alex's luggage. It would be easier for him to get it from my room when he got back from the hospital.

   "You mean if..."  The pessimist in my head hissed.

    I pulled the box and struggled with the shoes and bag in my other hand as I walked into the house, expecting a battalion of people to accost me asking why I was just arriving. The first person I saw was Nena's mum who saw me just as I was about to climb the stairs. Now, Nena's mum was a "hugging screamer". The extreme type. Whenever she saw someone she liked and wanted to hug, she would start to scream her excitement. Impressive vocal chords, one of the many things Nena inherited from her mother.  

"Aisha! Is this you? Where have you been?! I've been asking Nena about you! She wanted to go mad yesterday when she thought something had happened to you. We've been expecting you, my dear!" At this point, I was still trapped in her extremely tight embrace.

“Aunty, it's good to see you. We had issues along the way. I hope she's fine now." I said making what I hoped she recognized as a conscious effort to free myself.

" Yesso. Taye's brother... Err Kehinde called to say you were close by."

"Oh ok. Let me go and see her. Is she in her room? "

“She’s dressing up in my room. Let me take your things to her room. Both of you were supposed to stay there." I handed her Alex's luggage and my handbag and took the shoes with me to see Nena.

   I pulled myself up the stairs, yawning all the way. There were so many people upstairs; most of the girls in the bridal train and a few of  Nena's aunts were standing outside Nena's mum's room. I figured she had prevented them from seeing her until she presented herself. They all had their beautiful champagne brown coloured dresses on with faces beat to perfection. As soon as they saw me, the noise erupted.

"Aisha! "

“You’re here! Nena has been waiting...."

“Oh my God! Aisha!” All these noisy girls sef. It wasn't like I had died and come back to life. Why were they screaming anyhow?

"Aisha, go in. I'm sure Nena would let you see her. No one else is allowed to go in so we're waiting for the bride to make her grand entrance abi exit. " Ify  said rolling her eyes. I remembered how Nena had told me Ify literally didn't let her sleep until she told her she could be part of her bridal train. The girl just had something about her that made me want to charge at her whenever I saw her but today was not her day. I made my way to the door and opened it and I sauntered in.

    "Didn't I say no one should enter this room!!?” Nena shouted with her back to me.

    “Calm down, Bridezilla.”

 She turned sharply on hearing my voice and almost at the same time I caught a glimpse of her wedding dress in all it's glory. I had seen Nena wearing this dress before, I was with her when she bought it and we had chosen it as the best out of the three she had liked initially but there was something about it today. Maybe it was her hair as the curls fell softly down her nape or her face that seemed like it had been moulded with the finest of clays. Whatever it was, it made her look perfect. Really perfect. I was too stunned to speak for a few moments. She noticed that I was staring and waited for a comment. When one didn't come immediately, she got impatient and said "Talk now!" 

"Nenadi, you look stunning!" I said still trying to take it all in.

"Really? Are you sure the hair doesn't make my head look funny? "

“Oh shut up Nena. You look perfect. Well, almost perfect.” I said trying my best to hold off the waterworks and bring out the shoes at the same time.   

“Curse my over active tear glands.”

The same shoes that had made me feel like I was spending a holiday in the valley of the shadow of death. I went on one knee and put both shoes on her feet. The fight with the tears became even more brutal after that.

" Aisha, don't even start! If you cry, I'll cry! “   She said while fighting to keep hers in as well. Nature won in the end, much to the despair of Joe, the make-up artist who kept on scolding us for making him redo 'his masterpiece'. After seeing Nena looking so stunning and the way her eyes lit up when she told me she had been so worried and how much calmer she was now that I was here; I knew the hell I had been through to get there was worth it. According to Olaf, some people were worth melting for. At that point, I felt like I had been panel beaten a couple of times. That had to fall into the same category as melting. Right?

                                                                      ***

       Much later at the wedding reception, after I had bawled my eyes out as I watched Nena's dad give her away and watched her become one with the man who had loved her so hard for so long; I stood with my glass of wine in hand giggling as I watched Nena and Taye have their first dance. The look of contentment on her face was priceless. After all the petty quarrels they had employed me to settle in the past, they had actually made it down the aisle. I remembered how Taye had begged me day and night to convince Aisha to go on a date with him. I milked him dry before I even thought to tell Nena there was a guy who wanted to take her out. I giggled as I remembered my evil exploits. I knew Taye would take care of her. I had drilled him back when I noticed their relationship was becoming serious and laid down some serious ground rules. When I was done, he learned that there would be very serious physical and maybe even spiritual consequences if there was ever any tomfoolery on his part. Yes, I was that friend. But Nena never had to do any of that, I always laid down the rules by myself in my relationships and none lasted as long as Taye and Nena’s.

    As I watched them look into each other's eyes, I was reminded of how much I wanted someone who would just get me and be happy with me. I wasn't girly like Nena or desperate for affection or any of that but I just wanted someone who was always on my team.

    "You have Alex, you know."  

I had felt some kind of chemistry with Alex during  the trip or maybe it was all the near-fatal experiences making me confused. But even then I had caught myself a number of times looking all over and worrying about him all day. Alex and I would make an interesting pair. With his charms and good looks and eccentricities and my -

"Hey, road buddy. " I jumped out of my reverie and turned to see him looking incredibly handsome in his dark suit behind me.

“Hey you. Don't creep up behind me like that again abeg. "

“If you weren't so lost in thought, you would probably have noticed. "

“There isn't a halo around you though. There's no way I would have noticed. “I said teasing him.

“You have to argue though.” He took a step to stand beside me as he joined me to watch Nena and Taye as they swayed in and out of tune to the music. “Taye and his lack of dance steps. I guess some things never change. "

" Ahan. Michael Jackson! You that knows how to throw down!"  Throwing my head back as I laughed.

 Then he stopped and cocked his head to the side feigning surprise." Aisha, but you should know now. You don't remember how all those senior girls used to queue to dance with me? "

“Queue? Only Senior Ola used to die for you, only God knows why! "

“That’s not how I remember it oh. And which one is only God knows why? Oh, good. Everyone is going to dance. Come and experience what kept Ola coming back for more." I laughed as I let him pull me to the dance floor.

   We danced and laughed as we watched other people dance and laughed some more as we watched each other dance. This was the cycle until it was time for the slow dance. He held me daintily with his arm against the small of my back as we moved back and forth to the rhythm. The feel of his body against mine had me feeling tingly all over.

"How is your arm?” I said with my head resting on his chest.

“Oh, the doctor said it was fine. I woke up just as soon as we pulled into the hospital. We might need to go back for that hunter's sedative though. Best sleep I've had in a while. " He said chuckling lightly

“You better be joking. I thought you were dead at a point. Three straight hours of sleep! "

He chuckled. “Were you scared? "

“More like relieved"  I teased. "Your meat would have been perfect to help my gastric situation."  We both laughed as we kept on reminiscing what had to be the worst road trip in the history of road trips. The music, his speaking directly into my ears, his scent;  they were all conspiring to fan the flames of my growing attraction.

"Don't worry, we'll get back at them soon enough. "

“We?”  I said lifting my head to look straight at him.

“Yes, Aisha... We. "

                                                                      ***

The phone rang and Taye picked it up and saw my name across the screen.

 “Baby! ....... Nena! Aisha is on the phone for you."

" Ohh , I'll be right there. I just put Tobi down to sleep in the living room. "

“Yeah, I'll be quiet.” Taye said handing over the phone to her.

" Aisha! My sweetheart. How are you? "

" Iya Tobi! I'm fine. Why did it take you so long to come to the phone? "

“Someone has to put your god-daughter to sleep while you're touring the globe. Don't you know?"   Her words laced with sarcasm. I giggled on my end.

“How is she doing? I've missed her oh." 

“She’s fine. Still looks like me. Hehe. So wait, you haven’t missed me? That boy is teaching you bad things oh.”

"Don't be jealous. You know I miss you almost as much as you miss me." I said as I laughed

“How is your trip with the boo going jor? "

“It’s been lovely. That's actually why I called. "

“What happened?” I could sense the concern in her voice now.

“Well, nothing really oh. Just that one of the fingers on my left hand now has a new dress code. " You could literally ‘hear the smile’ that was plastered on my face as I said that.

“Huh? I don't understand...... Wait! Aisha! Did Alex propose??"  She said as the volume of her voice increased with every word.

" Yess!! It took you long enough! "  I had to take the phone away from my ears so I wasn't deafened by her screams. Alex was grinning and blushing at the same time on the bed beside me as Nena screamed the news to Taye. I could hear her even with the phone away from my ear.

“Taye!  ….Taye!! …..Taye come!!!   Alex proposed!!!”

 She ended up waking Tobi on her own.

                                                                 THE END.

DRIVING WITH CRAZY Episode 6

                ONE DAY, LOTS OF TROUBLE.

"Alex, you're bleeding!”
He looked down at his arm and saw the blood that had stained the part of his shirt that covered his upper arm. He gently lifted the cloth off his arm to reveal a bloody cut on his arm. I looked around and saw no one with a gun. Where did a bullet come from then. My mind was already processing the worst possible scenario.

 "Aisha oh, Spiritual bullets are after you!" 
Very interesting, that imagination of mine. I stepped closer to Alex to inspect the injury. 

“Oh, thank God. The bullet didn't pierce your arm. It just tore past your skin."
I stylishly turned away to wipe the tear that was about to drop from my eyes.

“Well, it tore enough to get the blood flowing.”
He must have seen the terror in my eyes because just then he said, “It’s not that bad Aisha. I’ll be fine.” His attempt at reassurance didn't help much though. I was visibly shaken and my eyes kept darting from left to right.

“Who could be shooting around here?” He asked, surveying the forest. The universe decided to answer his question. We started to hear footsteps, approaching quickly. Like that of a man running. We headed quickly for the car. We couldn't let this guy perfect his aim on our bodies.

He saw us. We couldn't get out of sight before he saw us.
"Wait! Wait! You with the blood.  Wait nah! I sorry. I no want to shoot you!"
I jumped when I heard the voice. It was slightly high-pitched and strangely loud. I definitely was not about to trust any words formed with that high-pitched voice. He could have been a hungry cannibal for all I knew. How had I managed to amass so much bad luck in just 24 hours?

He peered into the car through the windscreen and saw the blood on Alex’s arm and all of a sudden, he started to talk even louder.  Then he jumped on the bonnet of the car and continued begging Alex to come out and let him atone for his mistake. When that didn't work, he got off the bonnet and got a log large enough to block the road. All this happened while we sat tight in the car wondering what exactly was playing out before us. After this obviously Hausa man blocked the road, he came around to Alex’s window and continued begging us to come out so he could clean Alex’s wound. I was so tired.  There had been so much activity in the past few hours and I thought being a Chief Bridesmaid was stressful. I swore to myself that when I got married all my close friends would have to drive down to the wedding, even if it was a destination wedding!

When the pleading at the window didn't work, he went back to the bonnet and camped there.  Which kind life? We couldn't move forward and kill the man or reverse and throw him on the ground so we stayed put. After pleading and rolling up and down on the bonnet, he sat up, still on the bonnet and started to talk through the windscreen. " Ayam a hunter. I saw moving, trees moving and something sounding. I think it was animal. And I shoot. I sorry. I very sorry. Please let me clean it. I have leaf to clean your hand." He said pointing at Alex through the slightly tinted glass. It was then I took a good look at him. He was slim, almost gaunt and dark with a very apologetic look in his eyes.  Apparently, Alex's voice bore some similarities to that of an animal. Intriguing.

   
 I took some tissue from the car and cleaned the blood around his injury. He looked up at me as I dutifully cleaned the blood. “Thank you Aisha. "

“It’s nothing. "

“Not just for this.

“I’m sure this is the craziest trip you've ever been on too. And it would have been a lot harder if you weren't with me.”

I smiled coyly. “That’s not entirely true. If I didn’t come on this journey with you, we wouldn't have stopped for the meat or picked up the pastor and then we wouldn't have lost our money and had to gamble at the village and be on the verge of missing the wedding.”  He threw his head backwards and laughed. “So you really are the cause of the bad luck we've had on this trip. Who is chasing you from your village eh, Aisha?”

“Please jor, even with all my bad luck; you’re the one who managed to sound like an animal and get yourself shot.” We both laughed at that.

“You’re wicked oh. You don’t know I could be dying.”

“You sure don’t sound like someone who is dying oh” I said giggling. “We can’t stay cooked up in this car forever though. And it’s getting very stuffy.”

“So we should come out and listen to what the man has to say? I don’t think that’s wise.”

“No, definitely not.  We can wind the glass down a bit so we can hear what he has to say.”

 So we did just that.  We called the man and let him explain yet again how he saw Alex from afar and thought it was an animal as he had been out hunting without being able to catch anything for the past few days. After he teased me so much about the Old man wanting me because he thought of me as fresh meat, he was turning out to be the one with the coveted meat on his bones but I didn’t have time to share my joke because the man had moved on to begging Alex to let him apply his herb that would stop the pain instantly.  It was the verge of daybreak and we didn’t even know how far from Kaduna we were and as if that wasn’t bad enough; Alex as if he was brainwashed, opened the door and followed the money to get this ‘cure’. Hadn’t we just had a mental agreement not to pay any attention to the man and he had just followed him so God knows what could be applied on the injury. After the man had mixed the herb with some seed and pounded them together into a greenish-brown paste; he rubbed it on the affected area and told Alex to sit still.

“Alex, come. Does this thing even look normal to you? I mean with all your Harvard Education, you’re just as primitive as this man. How can a herb be a pain reliever for an open wound?”

“Where do you think drugs originated from?  Most came from leaves and the man knew what he was doing. It’s easy to talk when you’re not the one feeling the pain.” When I heard that, I let it go. It would have been insensitive of me not to so I let him have his way.  Alex sat on the stump for a few more minutes before he started to yawn.

“Why are we still waiting for the man?” I said taking in the view.

“I don’t know. He said to sit still.”

“Please let’s go. We’ve gone through too much to miss this wedding now. Does it feel better now?”

     “I really can’t tell, but I’ll rather not take the chance of driving. The GPS would help you though; it’s already programmed to get us to the house.”

“OK, but why do you sound like you won’t be beside me the entire way?”

     “I feel really drowsy all of a sudden. I might have to crash in the back seat after a while.”  I went around to move the log that had been blocking the car and came back into the Driver’s seat to get going. “OK, no more stops this time and no more incidents till we-“ I looked at who I was supposed to be talking to and Alex was sound asleep in the chair.

      “Alex, wake up,” I said tapping his arm. After repeating this with more intensity each time for a few minutes and waving my hand back and forth under his nose to double check that he was alive; It dawned on me that I was going to have to make the rest of the drive alone. I laid my head on the steering wheel in utter frustration.  “God, please I don’t think I can take another surprise today. Please just help me get to this wedding once and for all.”

      And so I drove down the bush path with Alex passed out beside me.

DRIVING WITH CRAZY episode 2

                                           DRIVING WITH CRAZY. 

 The second part of the series. For those just joining us, See the first part here

      I didn't even know how to react. I didn't even have the opportunity to. Other late boarders pushed me aside so they could show their own boarding passes. Then Nena called, I managed to explain to her how I had fought my way and made it in the nick of time just to find out I didn't have my boarding pass with me. She was too stunned to react. Taye immediately took the phone and calmed her down just to prevent a serious bridezilla moment from taking place. “Aisha, I'm so sorry for all the stress. Don’t worry; we’ll name one of our kids after you.” I figured that was good payment for my labour of love. It must have been at this moment that the terrible idea entered his head because the next thing I heard was “I don’t really know any transport companies that would have buses going to Kaduna at this time but……. Alex just told me he was going to drive down.”

            Before I could even reply, my mind had gone from “This Taye boy must be mad. He wants to put you in the same car with that psycho for thirteen hours! ” to “But even though Alex is probably not well; you’ve always had a crush on him. Doesn't that make you slightly insane as well?” Luckily, the sensible part of me got to speak first. “Taye, not in a million years, not when pigs fly, not even when Mama Joy learns to sweep. Never!” I could hear him laughing now; I hoped for his sake that it was a joke. How could he even ask me to survive a thirteen hour journey with Alex! The same person that glued the clothes on his back to the building of his secondary school with super glue to prevent the bulldozers from tearing it down. Nenadi and I had already established that he must have left a sizeable part of his common sense at Customs when he was coming back into Nigeria after getting his University education in Manchester.  We had been classmates since Secondary School and we always had this crush on each other but no kind of crush would make me overlook the fact that he sometimes acted like things were controlling him. Nena took the phone back and started to plead and promise the heavens and the earth if I would just drive down with Alex. “Aisha, please now. You know I would never allow this but I beg you. I feel guilty for making you miss the flight. You don’t even have to talk to him, but you know he’s not always psycho. Taye even said he’s a lot cooler now and he’s always been funny so it might even be fun”. How could these people be telling me he was cooler. The fact that he hadn’t even started his half a day journey said otherwise; but I knew I couldn’t say no. “Tell Taye that for this, I would name your first two children and you know I have a thing for the name Boniface”. She laughed and said Taye would call Alex and have him pick me up. They were about to take off and so they promised to call immediately they landed.

        It was amazing how my day had just taken a turn I would never have seen coming. I had driven through Lagos like a bat out of hell and still missed my flight and now I was about to embark on the longest road trip of my life with my longtime crush/psycho. I took a cab home and waited for Alex to come by so we could get going. It was about 1:00pm before I heard a horn at the gate. My luggage had already gone with Nena and Taye so all I really needed to get to Kano with where the shoes and my sanity.

    I got outside and saw Alex in the car. He’d gotten himself a nice looking Mercedes. What was it he did again? I really had no idea. He looked good. He always had. He was the image that came to mind whenever someone said “tall, dark and handsome”. If I could explain why I had a crush on him that would probably be at the top of the list. Luckily, he didn’t seem to be advocating for any insane causes or exhibiting insane characteristics at the moment. He came out of the car and reached for a hug. ”Hey Aisha, it’s definitely been a while.” It was going well so far but my heels were still prepared for any sudden manifestations. “Yeah, Alex. It has. How have you been? And why exactly are you driving to a wedding that’s thirteen hours away?” He let out a little laugh and he opened the passenger door for me. “Get in. We’ll talk on the way.” And thus the most unbelievable road trip began.

    We had driven for about two hours and I was starving. You know that level of starvation when your stomach begins to make incomprehensible noises and you begin to feel the hunger abs forming…. I had passed that level an hour ago. I had told Alex I was hungry and we needed to stop for food. He said we had barely started the journey and any stop would slow us down. This only calmed me down for about twenty minutes after which I was complaining again. It may be important at this point to mention that I am not the most pleasant person to be around when I’m hungry. I complain and whine and nag like a baby on breast milk.  And believe me I’ve tried but it really can’t be helped. So I gave Alex a little taste of this. Before long, he was miserable “Look Aisha, there are no restaurants around here. You’re distracting me with all your whining.” I complained until I slept. I woke up after what felt like thirty minutes of sleep. Alex had packed the car and was talking to someone outside. I was still too asleep to know where I was but I saw that there were a lot of trees and shrubs around the car. I saw Alex standing a few feet away talking to someone tying a wrapper and there were some funny looking things lying around. A blood stained cutlass, a couple of calabashes, a reddish cloth, an animal? Was this what I thought it was? Was this Alex’s first manifestation of the journey?