DRIVING WITH CRAZY- The Finale.

Foreword.

       This is the last episode of the series Driving With Crazy. It’s been an honor taking this journey with Aisha and Alex and everyone who has taken out time to read any of the episodes. It means a lot. I hope we’ll reunite in the next post or story. Now to the good stuff….

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS….. (The Finale.)

To see all episodes, go here

     After driving like a crazy person down the express way and receiving insults from other motorists for flying down the road like a bat out of hell; I got to Nena's house. Kehinde's directions had been surprisingly easy to follow. I knew the way the house from the town market, so at least I wasn't too bad with directions. As I got out of the car with the box of Nena's shoes in one hand I was tempted to lie flat and kiss the ground! I had never been so happy to see the cream walls of Nena's family house. The devil's plan to keep me from this wedding did not work! I went around to the boot of the car and got Alex's luggage. It would be easier for him to get it from my room when he got back from the hospital.

   "You mean if..."  The pessimist in my head hissed.

    I pulled the box and struggled with the shoes and bag in my other hand as I walked into the house, expecting a battalion of people to accost me asking why I was just arriving. The first person I saw was Nena's mum who saw me just as I was about to climb the stairs. Now, Nena's mum was a "hugging screamer". The extreme type. Whenever she saw someone she liked and wanted to hug, she would start to scream her excitement. Impressive vocal chords, one of the many things Nena inherited from her mother.  

"Aisha! Is this you? Where have you been?! I've been asking Nena about you! She wanted to go mad yesterday when she thought something had happened to you. We've been expecting you, my dear!" At this point, I was still trapped in her extremely tight embrace.

“Aunty, it's good to see you. We had issues along the way. I hope she's fine now." I said making what I hoped she recognized as a conscious effort to free myself.

" Yesso. Taye's brother... Err Kehinde called to say you were close by."

"Oh ok. Let me go and see her. Is she in her room? "

“She’s dressing up in my room. Let me take your things to her room. Both of you were supposed to stay there." I handed her Alex's luggage and my handbag and took the shoes with me to see Nena.

   I pulled myself up the stairs, yawning all the way. There were so many people upstairs; most of the girls in the bridal train and a few of  Nena's aunts were standing outside Nena's mum's room. I figured she had prevented them from seeing her until she presented herself. They all had their beautiful champagne brown coloured dresses on with faces beat to perfection. As soon as they saw me, the noise erupted.

"Aisha! "

“You’re here! Nena has been waiting...."

“Oh my God! Aisha!” All these noisy girls sef. It wasn't like I had died and come back to life. Why were they screaming anyhow?

"Aisha, go in. I'm sure Nena would let you see her. No one else is allowed to go in so we're waiting for the bride to make her grand entrance abi exit. " Ify  said rolling her eyes. I remembered how Nena had told me Ify literally didn't let her sleep until she told her she could be part of her bridal train. The girl just had something about her that made me want to charge at her whenever I saw her but today was not her day. I made my way to the door and opened it and I sauntered in.

    "Didn't I say no one should enter this room!!?” Nena shouted with her back to me.

    “Calm down, Bridezilla.”

 She turned sharply on hearing my voice and almost at the same time I caught a glimpse of her wedding dress in all it's glory. I had seen Nena wearing this dress before, I was with her when she bought it and we had chosen it as the best out of the three she had liked initially but there was something about it today. Maybe it was her hair as the curls fell softly down her nape or her face that seemed like it had been moulded with the finest of clays. Whatever it was, it made her look perfect. Really perfect. I was too stunned to speak for a few moments. She noticed that I was staring and waited for a comment. When one didn't come immediately, she got impatient and said "Talk now!" 

"Nenadi, you look stunning!" I said still trying to take it all in.

"Really? Are you sure the hair doesn't make my head look funny? "

“Oh shut up Nena. You look perfect. Well, almost perfect.” I said trying my best to hold off the waterworks and bring out the shoes at the same time.   

“Curse my over active tear glands.”

The same shoes that had made me feel like I was spending a holiday in the valley of the shadow of death. I went on one knee and put both shoes on her feet. The fight with the tears became even more brutal after that.

" Aisha, don't even start! If you cry, I'll cry! “   She said while fighting to keep hers in as well. Nature won in the end, much to the despair of Joe, the make-up artist who kept on scolding us for making him redo 'his masterpiece'. After seeing Nena looking so stunning and the way her eyes lit up when she told me she had been so worried and how much calmer she was now that I was here; I knew the hell I had been through to get there was worth it. According to Olaf, some people were worth melting for. At that point, I felt like I had been panel beaten a couple of times. That had to fall into the same category as melting. Right?

                                                                      ***

       Much later at the wedding reception, after I had bawled my eyes out as I watched Nena's dad give her away and watched her become one with the man who had loved her so hard for so long; I stood with my glass of wine in hand giggling as I watched Nena and Taye have their first dance. The look of contentment on her face was priceless. After all the petty quarrels they had employed me to settle in the past, they had actually made it down the aisle. I remembered how Taye had begged me day and night to convince Aisha to go on a date with him. I milked him dry before I even thought to tell Nena there was a guy who wanted to take her out. I giggled as I remembered my evil exploits. I knew Taye would take care of her. I had drilled him back when I noticed their relationship was becoming serious and laid down some serious ground rules. When I was done, he learned that there would be very serious physical and maybe even spiritual consequences if there was ever any tomfoolery on his part. Yes, I was that friend. But Nena never had to do any of that, I always laid down the rules by myself in my relationships and none lasted as long as Taye and Nena’s.

    As I watched them look into each other's eyes, I was reminded of how much I wanted someone who would just get me and be happy with me. I wasn't girly like Nena or desperate for affection or any of that but I just wanted someone who was always on my team.

    "You have Alex, you know."  

I had felt some kind of chemistry with Alex during  the trip or maybe it was all the near-fatal experiences making me confused. But even then I had caught myself a number of times looking all over and worrying about him all day. Alex and I would make an interesting pair. With his charms and good looks and eccentricities and my -

"Hey, road buddy. " I jumped out of my reverie and turned to see him looking incredibly handsome in his dark suit behind me.

“Hey you. Don't creep up behind me like that again abeg. "

“If you weren't so lost in thought, you would probably have noticed. "

“There isn't a halo around you though. There's no way I would have noticed. “I said teasing him.

“You have to argue though.” He took a step to stand beside me as he joined me to watch Nena and Taye as they swayed in and out of tune to the music. “Taye and his lack of dance steps. I guess some things never change. "

" Ahan. Michael Jackson! You that knows how to throw down!"  Throwing my head back as I laughed.

 Then he stopped and cocked his head to the side feigning surprise." Aisha, but you should know now. You don't remember how all those senior girls used to queue to dance with me? "

“Queue? Only Senior Ola used to die for you, only God knows why! "

“That’s not how I remember it oh. And which one is only God knows why? Oh, good. Everyone is going to dance. Come and experience what kept Ola coming back for more." I laughed as I let him pull me to the dance floor.

   We danced and laughed as we watched other people dance and laughed some more as we watched each other dance. This was the cycle until it was time for the slow dance. He held me daintily with his arm against the small of my back as we moved back and forth to the rhythm. The feel of his body against mine had me feeling tingly all over.

"How is your arm?” I said with my head resting on his chest.

“Oh, the doctor said it was fine. I woke up just as soon as we pulled into the hospital. We might need to go back for that hunter's sedative though. Best sleep I've had in a while. " He said chuckling lightly

“You better be joking. I thought you were dead at a point. Three straight hours of sleep! "

He chuckled. “Were you scared? "

“More like relieved"  I teased. "Your meat would have been perfect to help my gastric situation."  We both laughed as we kept on reminiscing what had to be the worst road trip in the history of road trips. The music, his speaking directly into my ears, his scent;  they were all conspiring to fan the flames of my growing attraction.

"Don't worry, we'll get back at them soon enough. "

“We?”  I said lifting my head to look straight at him.

“Yes, Aisha... We. "

                                                                      ***

The phone rang and Taye picked it up and saw my name across the screen.

 “Baby! ....... Nena! Aisha is on the phone for you."

" Ohh , I'll be right there. I just put Tobi down to sleep in the living room. "

“Yeah, I'll be quiet.” Taye said handing over the phone to her.

" Aisha! My sweetheart. How are you? "

" Iya Tobi! I'm fine. Why did it take you so long to come to the phone? "

“Someone has to put your god-daughter to sleep while you're touring the globe. Don't you know?"   Her words laced with sarcasm. I giggled on my end.

“How is she doing? I've missed her oh." 

“She’s fine. Still looks like me. Hehe. So wait, you haven’t missed me? That boy is teaching you bad things oh.”

"Don't be jealous. You know I miss you almost as much as you miss me." I said as I laughed

“How is your trip with the boo going jor? "

“It’s been lovely. That's actually why I called. "

“What happened?” I could sense the concern in her voice now.

“Well, nothing really oh. Just that one of the fingers on my left hand now has a new dress code. " You could literally ‘hear the smile’ that was plastered on my face as I said that.

“Huh? I don't understand...... Wait! Aisha! Did Alex propose??"  She said as the volume of her voice increased with every word.

" Yess!! It took you long enough! "  I had to take the phone away from my ears so I wasn't deafened by her screams. Alex was grinning and blushing at the same time on the bed beside me as Nena screamed the news to Taye. I could hear her even with the phone away from my ear.

“Taye!  ….Taye!! …..Taye come!!!   Alex proposed!!!”

 She ended up waking Tobi on her own.

                                                                 THE END.

DRIVING WITH CRAZY Episode 7

                              HEAVEN TO THE RESCUE.                                             

 *For previous episodes, go here         

       I drove in the company of the GPS. She, as Alex liked to describe it, wasn't much help at keeping me entertained or awake. We were too far from any city to get radio signals and so I was stuck with the rap songs Alex had in his car. Even with the songs blaring from the Speakers Alex didn't move from his slumber. Whatever sedative that hunter had given him would probably have given anaesthesia a run for it’s money. I had slapped him across the face enough times to leave the area slightly reddish hoping he would wake up but he would only turn and continue sleeping. At a point, I began to envy him. The things I would have done to have a good, soft bed to crash on right then. He had stopped bleeding, at least the hunter had done one thing right by applying some pressure to the injury to stop the bleeding but I still felt he should have it checked out. The bullet might have been laced with something. Poison? Maybe that was what was making him sleep so long? Or maybe it would make him hallucinate and start to act out his hallucinations! I had to take a deep breath to stop my mind from overreacting. Hopefully, he was just enjoying what had become an over two hour nap under the influence of a sedative. That was normal. Right?

  

                                                              ***

   I had been driving for almost three hours with my mind constantly reminding me that i could be going in the driving myself to Jos without knowing it. My mum always chided me for not knowing how to drive myself to Kaduna or the cities that led to it. I would always tell her that if I ever needed to drive, I would get a driver and so I never learned the route. See why you should listen to your parents! The GPS had gotten me this far; hopefully it would take me the rest of the way. It was nearing 9am. The sun looking nice and bright, perfect weather for a wedding. It was my best friend’s wedding day. The day we’d dreamed about since we recognized the importance of boys. Nena must have tried my number at least a thousand times by now. I tried to find comfort in the fact that it could have been a lot worse. I could have been married off to some old chief by now or be stranded because I couldn't drive and Alex was sleeping like he was half dead. So in comparison, I was having a good day.

    I took my eyes off the road long enough to see that according to the GPS, we were about an hour and some minutes  away from Kaduna. A smile slowly tattooed itself across my face when I saw that. If that was anything to go by,  I would make it in time for the wedding and the last forty-eight hours of horror would not be in vain. While turning to look at the side mirror two things caught my attention. Firstly, the blinding stench that was emanating from my armpit! I smelled like fish and coffee mixed together. After not taking a bath for almost two days and running and sweating ever so often, I suppose it was to be expected. The terrible smell coming from my body almost made me forget the second thing I had noticed while looking at the side mirror. A car seemed to have been following me for a while. I was on an express-way, wide enough for a person to overtake if they felt it necessary and a few cars had zoomed past so it was puzzling that this white car had been a few metres behind me for almost thirty minutes. I had noticed it earlier but thought nothing of it till I looked out again and saw the same car. I could tell it was a man driving but I was too far to recognize the features. I tried to convince myself that it was paranoia and hunger making me over-assess the situation. I put my foot to the gas pedal and sped on ahead thinking i would probably lose after the bend that was up ahead; but still he followed me. Why would someone be following me in the middle of nowhere unless they knew me or wanted to rob me. I looked around the car, there was nothing to steal. Pastor had made sure to take care of that as I was naïve enough to let him. So what did this guy want?

     My heart started to beat very fast again as I thought of what to do. I looked at Alex, looking oh-so-peaceful in his sleep that was nearing three hours now. Still looking at the road, I went at his face with a slap. Thwack! “Alex, will you wake up already! Haba! Someone is following us!” There was no stir, no sound; he just continued with his soft snores. It looked like I would have to face this one alone. Wasn't I just saying some minutes ago that I was having a good day?

       I thought about speeding until I got to Kaduna, it was just about fifty  minutes away at that point but then it occurred to me that this could also be someone going for the wedding that recognized Alex’s car and was trying to get my attention. But then, I had been making all kinds of wrong choices throughout this journey and I was too hungry to endure another situation arising before getting to that wedding. But I also had to consider Alex’s arm; I needed to get him to the hospital before getting to the wedding and I didn’t even know the way to any hospitals in the city. The only gadgets I knew how to handle were my phone and laptop so configuring this GPS to direct me to a hospital was not an option; but if I knew this person, they could probably help me take Alex to the hospital while I hustled my way to Nena. All these options and things to consider just to make the decision to either speed up or park the car. I said a silent prayer as I slowed the car to a stop by the side of the road.

    As was expected, the person in the car caught up to me and parked his car in front of mine. He got out of the car revealing his almost six feet figure with muscles bulging from his tight T-shirt. As he stood locking the door, I peered through the windscreen to see if I could recognize him. He looked like…..Taye? What was Taye doing here? But when did Taye get so muscular? And he couldn't possibly be on the road when his wedding was in about an hour. It was then he turned towards me and I noticed the birthmark just about his right eyebrow. I heaved a huge sigh of relief . Kehinde!

                                                          ***

“Aishatu!" No one else felt the need to call out my full name but Kehinde. "Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get your attention. I expected to see Alex driving though.” He said locking me in a huge embrace. For once, I had made the right call.

“Kehinde, you can’t begin to understand how happy I am to see you. I thought you were  Taye for a second there.”

“It’s good to see you too. You look exhausted Aisha and where is Alex? Taye told me the both of you were coming together. It sounded like a recipe for disaster. I hope you haven’t dumped my friend’s body somewhere oh.” He said chuckling.

“Not yet oh. Look at him sleeping in there.” I said tilting my head in the direction of the passenger’s seat. Kehinde went around and tried to wake him up. Alex didn’t budge.

“What’s wrong with him? Which kind sleep be dis?”

“Long story oh. You wouldn’t believe if I told you. Your brother and sister-in-law have put me through what has to be the craziest journey of my life, but don’t worry he’s alive. He’s injured though. I actually stopped hoping it was someone I knew so they could take him to the hospital for me.”

It was then he noticed the blood on his shirt. Clearly alarmed he asked “ Ahah, Aisha what happened to him?” Then I proceeded to recount the happenings of  the entire journey and all it’s craziness to him. I had not realized how good a story it was until I retold it to him. By the time I was done he was so shocked all he could do was laugh.

“And all that happened between yesterday and today? After all that, the both of you have to get married and make Aisha and Taye do this for your own wedding.” I laughed like I hadn’t been secretly imagining the same outcome while driving.

“You don’t even know. I’m waiting to find out which is a longer journey by road- Lagos to Ghana or Lagos to Kaduna. If Lagos to Kaduna is longer, I’ll find another place. They must experience the ‘thrills’ of a road trip.” I said as we both burst into laughter.

   Finally, we agreed that Kehinde would take Alex to the hospital while I made my way to the wedding. We carried Alex into Kehinde’s car and laid him in the back to continue sleeping. Now it was 10:03 and I had forty-five minutes to get home to resume my chief-bridesmaid duties. I knew Nena wouldn’t let anyone else take my place until I got there but I didn’t want my lateness spoiling her big day. I got the exact directions to the house from Kehinde. We agreed that he would drop Alex off at the hospital and make sure he would be well taken care of before he ran off to assume his role as the best man.  As I bid him goodbye, I was careful enough to go for a handshake instead of a hug. There was no need to pass the ‘fish+coffee stench’ around. I got back into the car determined to make the journey of approximately one hour it should take to get to the house in forty-five minutes so I would have some time to get ready. I pulled on the seatbelt, adjusted my seat as I prepared to go all ‘formula one’ on the rest of the journey.

DRIVING WITH CRAZY episode 5

                                                         THE ROAD WE TRAVELLED.

To read previous episodes, kindly go here

  

    The deafening sound rang in my ears. I had to wait a few seconds for the ringing in my ears to stop. Somehow, we had ended up with our backs against a tree. Alex had obviously regained his hearing before me because he reached out to help me up so we could get back to the car.

‘Alex, what’s that on your hand? Oh Jesus, you’re bleeding!’

________________________________________________________________________________

   

         I could only stare. Was this some kind of practical joke? April Fools’ or Candid Camera? Or did this huge man actually think I was going to marry the pot-bellied old man sitting and gambling in there? As if he heard me, he looked at me sternly and said “Iyawo Oga mi, Oga say make you no comot.” How was it possibly going to get any worse than this? Stranded in the middle of nowhere and finding yourself suddenly betrothed to a man with an illiterate as his P.A . Of all the things happening at that point in time, the scariest thought was that Alex and I wouldn’t make it to the wedding. Let’s call it the fear of Nena. It was then it dawned on me that I didn’t even know where Alex was. He couldn’t possibly be any worse off than me. I couldn’t imagine any old woman forcing him to marry her. He was probably waiting at the car or better still watching, and maybe even laughing, from a distance.

   I wouldn’t blame Alex if he actually was laughing. I mean it really was a funny sight. Me, standing in front of the door with the massive man holding his hands out so I wouldn’t escape and moving back and forth between Yoruba and Pidgin. One thing was sure though, my children wouldn’t lack bedtime stories.

   Seeing as I couldn’t escape, I turned around and walked back into the makeshift casino. The old man who was probably celebrating inwardly that he had acquired fresh meat looked up and smiled at me through his MTN-yellow teeth “Iyawo mi, se o tide.” I rolled my eyes “ Baba, kini gbogbo nonsense eh?”. Between me and you, I barely understood what I was saying. “Why is that man outside disturbing me and who is your iyawo?”

“Ahah, Omoge mi. Cool nah”

Then the old man stood up and walked towards me as if to explain something “Oya, come. No be vexing for me. Take it cool.” All of a sudden, Nena came to mind. If she was the one being struck bullet after bullet with the remains of English language that this man was speaking, a bomb might have gone off in her brain. The girl couldn’t even pretend to stand bad English. She had once walked out of a job interview because the interviewer kept repeating “What year did you graduated?”She said she couldn’t work with that kind of person and she never went back. Extreme? Maybe.  Anyway, my problems were bigger than Baba’s English or the lack thereof. This man seemed to really think I was about to marry him. Of all the ‘yawas’ I had found myself in, this had to be the most confusing. From going to someone else’s wedding I had managed to be courted, proposed to and become engaged without even knowing it. 
"This is the kind of divine intervention people mark attendance at Redeemed Camp for oh.” My mind and her twisted sense of humour.

    Baba escorted or rather stalked closely behind me so I had no choice but to walk to keep from being absorbed by his pot belly. I found myself at a mud house. On walking in, it was the matchmaker herself, the old woman sitting on a mat at one corner. She started smiling the moment she saw me, I couldn’t fathom what they were all so happy about. The old man said a few things in his thick Yoruba dialect that were beyond my understanding. The woman stepped out and came back some minutes after with a big plate of something I was obviously supposed to eat. It was not until both the old man and his wife had left the room that my stomach started to make those funny sounds. I had told myself I wouldn’t eat the food but I wasn’t strong enough to hold back. The betrayer in the centre of my being caved and I rushed at the plate. It was when I was rushing the food that It occurred to me that wherever Alex was on planet earth, he hadn’t eaten since we left Lagos. I left some food on the plate making a mental note to give it to him if he came for me.

     I woke up suddenly on the mat. I didn’t realize I had slept off. All that scheming and gambling must have taken my energy. Or maybe that old woman had drugged me. My phone was dead and it was pitch dark in the room. “Are there any windows in this thing?” Just then I heard the sound of a twig break outside. I couldn’t see anything but I sensed that someone was coming. My heart started to pound again. I felt around me for the plate or anything else to use as a weapon. And just like in all those horror movies, there was nothing. I got up slowly and moved against the wall. Whoever it was would be entering the room soon. “It had better not be that old man.”

    The door opened slowly with the person trying to make as little noise as possible. I couldn’t even make a guess at who it was still. Where was the moon when you needed it? I couldn’t see or shout or escape so I did the only thing that seemed sensible. Roundhouse  kick!  How I perfected the art of kicking is a story for another day. Anyway, the person fell and landed with his/her head landing square in the plate I was frantically searching for earlier. Just when I was about to jump over and run the person grabbed my ankle and pulled me to the ground. “Jesus! Aisha you’re a wrestler.”

 “My God! Alex, why didn’t you say it was you?”

“I wasn’t sure you were here now. I don’t even know if I can still stand.”

“Sorry, sorry. Where have you been?”

“Your Bobo had me kept in one tiny room somewhere. I managed to get out and i started going from house to house to look for you.” I couldn’t see his face so he wouldn’t have been able to appreciate the look I gave him that night. My bobo indeed.

“Ok, let’s go now please. Enough drama for one night. What’s the time?”

“It’s almost 1am. Do you still have the money?”

“Yes! Come before someone wakes up.”

    I wasn’t at peace till we had bought fuel and driven about thirty minutes away from what could have become my village by marriage and I couldn’t thank the strange man who sold the fuel to us in the middle of the night enough. I was awake as Alex drove. He kept on laughing and teasing me about ‘my bobo.’ The only good things that came out of stopping at that village was the money for the fuel and whatever it was that woman had given me to eat and of course, I got an opportunity to kick Alex! At least I had something to retaliate with while he was laughing at me and my bobo.

“You’re extremely bubbly for someone who hasn’t eaten all day. I  kept some food for you but you face planted into it.”

“Who says I haven’t eaten? When I was going from house to house looking for you, I entered one where the woman had left some stew to cool overnight and there was rice in the pot too and my feelings for rice and stew haven’t changed.” I remembered how Alex used to be a maniac for rice and stew. It was one of the things that made him stand out as abnormal back then. He took it as a service to humanity to delve into every plate he came across. I really do mean every last one.

“So, you stole someone’s food?”

“I like to think of it as tasting.”

“Ok, how many pieces of meat did you ‘taste’?

He looked at me with one guilty look in his eyes. “ Four.”

“Ahh, Alex. Ole! By tomorrow, they’ll be searching more for you than me.” He burst out laughing.  
" You know you just jilted a chief?"
I looked at him like he was speaking another language. "What are you talking about?"
"Your bobo was a Chief now. Why do you think he was confident enough to consider you acquired on first sight? Apparently, Chiefs are allowed to pick and choose any lady they please. You should be flattered really." He stifled a  laugh as he winked at me.
" And you know all this how exactly?"
"The man that led me to my room told me. He kept talking about how if I didn't cause trouble, the Chief would be very kind to me for bringing him a new wife. So you see, even with my 'Harvard English', I can still communicate in a village."
"That explains a lot then. And the fact that you managed to understand doesn't mean you can communicate." 
"You must always have a comeback though." I grinned, celebrating my little victory. We talked  most of the way. I told him about the Old man’s English and thrill I got from gambling and we laughed till our jaws began to hurt.

       At about 3am, Alex made a turn off the express into a bush path. “Why are you turning off the road?”

“The GPS says this is a short cut. We can cut off more than one and half hours of the journey this way.”

“Hmm, are you sure?  We can’t afford another situation oh.”

“Relax; we’ll get to Kaduna soon.”

  So I listened and relaxed, the bush path looked like an illustration of Robert Frost’s The Road less travelled. It was lonely and covered with twigs and leaves and seemed to be narrowing as we went further. I decided not to say anything so I didn't sound like I was nagging but I was sure he noticed it too. We drove a little more and came to a part where a log had blocked most of the road. We both got out to move it off the road.  We moved the log, locked the car and decided to walk further a bit to see if the road was actually motor able.

  We’d walked a few minutes and were just about to head back to the car when we heard a deafening sound. Maybe it was fear or some force but we both found ourselves against a tree. After a few seconds when the ringing in my ear had reduced but with the confusion still lingering I heard Alex say “Was that a gunshot?”  He reached out to help me up so we could get back to the car.

‘Alex, what’s that on your hand? Oh Jesus, you’re bleeding!’

DRIVING WITH CRAZY episode 3

BROTHER BUSHMEAT AND PASTOR PILFERER.

    
     For episodes one and two, see here and here

   I sat up and looked out the window and saw Alex walking towards me. At that point, my heart was racing; it would have given Usain Bolt a run for his money. Alex was a couple of en steps away and the Lagosian in me kicked in “Aisha! What are you waiting for? Come on, lock the doors!” This was no American movie, I wasn’t about to stare at what I was afraid of till it came and caught me. My eyes were still fixed on Alex walking towards the car as I reached towards the driver’s seat and locked all the doors . I felt some form of security when I leaned back in my seat. Alex got to my side of the car and tapped the window wanting to talk to me; I didn’t even look his way. He made to open the door but it wouldn’t budge. “Aisha, good. You’re finally awake. Open the door.” or at least I think that was what he said. “Alex, where are we and what are we doing here?” He looked at me like he suspected I was sleep talking “What do you mean? Weren’t you the one complaining about hunger? I couldn’t find a restaurant anywhere but I saw this bushmeat stall and managed to convince the man to roast some so you wouldn’t die in my car.” It was at that point I looked around. We were packed by the roadside and the bushes were on just one side, the animal I had seen was just one of the few others arranged in front of the shack to attract people to buy and the red cloth and cutlass were probably from the last hunt. It was then it dawned on me that my sleep and hunger combined were even more delusory than the alcohol I was always so proud to admit I didn’t take.

     Alex was still at the window waiting for me to come out of the car. I opened the door and came out to him looking at me probably wondering if I was the one manifesting. I was too embarrassed to say anything and I definitely was not about to say “Oh, I thought you had brought me to a ritualist.” So I kept mum and followed him towards the stall that had nothing but firewood and a shaky looking stool. When I got there, the man roasting the meat begrudgingly offered me a seat. There was just one so Alex stood. The man looked at me, still frowning and said “See, I nor dey roast meat for people for hia  oh. This firewood suppose to be for me to roast for only me one this night but this your friend no gree me rest if I nor roast for una. So una go pay for my firewood.”  After hearing Brother Bushmeat’s (I never found out his real name, so Brother Bushmeat will have to do.) complaints I felt really bad. I had been lambasting Alex in my head even before I got into the car and he had been nothing but a gentle man since the beginning of the journey. He had even convinced Brother Bushmeat to roast meat just so I could have something to eat. I looked up at him and he was seriously studying the roasting of the meat. I was secretly happy I was taking the journey with him in the end.

   When the meat was finally ready, Alex in his chivalrous manner paid Brother Bushmeat who smiled from ear to ear. He didn’t seem very upset about his firewood once the crisp naira notes were in his hands. We went back to the car to continue our journey. We still had about ten hours to go. It was nearing 5:00 pm when we got back on the road. It was obvious from the lack of taste in the meat that Brother Bushmeat was no Masterchef. There was no flavor within miles of the food but I was too hungry to be picky. After I’d eaten a bit and my body had returned to its normal state, I realized I hadn’t said a word to Alex since we got back into the car and decided to break the silence. “Thanks for convincing the man to roast the meat. Hunger and I aren’t very good friends.” He smiled and looked away from the road long enough to say “How does it taste?”

I didn’t want to complain so I said “Oh, it’s nice”. Which wasn’t such a stretch from the truth, I mean at least it wasn’t raw. He knew better though “Ahh, Aisha so you still tell these your’ nice- nice’ lies?” I burst out laughing because a memory had just crept into my head. Back in high school, it was on one of those days when the teachers had gone on a rampage and were forcing everyone to find another person to cut their hair. Yewande, one of those shakara girls had found her hair at the mercy of some Js3 boy who had never handled a clipper in his life. When he was done with his first and hopefully last haircut, her head had more slopes than the hills at  Udi. I had gotten that ‘nice-nice’ nickname after Yewande had come to ask me how her hair looked and so as not to hurt her feelings, I shrouded my answer in grammar and said “ It’s in a class of its own Yewande. You know your things are always special.” Somehow, that made her feel better sha. Alex and everyone else who heard me say it called me liar and accused me of forming ‘nice-nice’ and so the name stuck.

   We laughed and gossiped about Yewande and all the shakara girls in our class back then and the journey was going quite well until we drove past a pastor who was stranded and trying to stop anyone willing to use their ‘church mind’ and pick him up. We could only tell he was a pastor because he wore his clerical collar.  Once again, my nice-nice gland started to produce whatever it was it produced that made me overly compassionate. “Alex, stop let’s pick the pastor now.” He looked at me like he thought he didn’t hear me correctly. ”Wait, are you serious? And you say I act like I’m not Nigerian?” He went on to talk about how he couldn’t pick a random stranger from the road and how we were already behind schedule and some other things that went into one ear and came out the other. For some reason, I really wanted to give this ‘pastor’ a ride so I went full on five- time debate champion on him.”Turn back and pickthe man now. See how desperate he looks…..Support something that will actually make a difference instead of old buildings….Wouldn’t you want someone to do that for you?” Just to shut me up I suppose, he made a violent U-turn and drove backwards and gave the man who wore the clerical collar a lift. Once again, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

   This pastor made us go about twenty minutes off our route, as if it wasn’t bad enough that Alex was hoping against hope that Sheila, or whatever it was he named his GPS in his car, was not directing us to Congo. I could tell he didn’t find it funny that we were carrying a stranger or going off the route but I was in full Matthew 10:41 mode; whispering to that him he was doing a good thing and he would get his prophet’s reward. The only reason I only got the stink eye was probably because he didn’t want the pastor to hear him go off on me. We finally dropped him off at one kind of market off some dusty untarred road and found our way back to the road. The moment he alighted, I started again “You see. Doesn’t it feel good to have done something nice eh? Wouldn’t you be happy if someone did that to you?” He knew I was right but in usual male egotistical style he just said under his breath. “Yeah, yeah. This one time you were right.”

      We had driven over an hour, gisting and laughing and I’d just about forgotten about my fear of Alex’s insanity when my eyes wandered to the fuel indicator light. “Alex, the tank is about to be empty oh.” He looked down at the dashboard and noticed the sign showing the tank was nearing empty. There was a fuel station in the distance. He asked me to reach into the pouch behind my seat and pull out seven thousand naira from the envelope. I dipped my hand into the pouch and felt around for an envelope. “There’s nothing there.” He looked at me and asked me to check the pouch behind the driver’s seat. Still nothing. At that moment, I remembered my bag was on the floor behind Alex’s seat. I frantically searched it for my purse. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. Pastor had cleaned us out!

   

DRIVING WITH CRAZY episode 2

                                           DRIVING WITH CRAZY. 

 The second part of the series. For those just joining us, See the first part here

      I didn't even know how to react. I didn't even have the opportunity to. Other late boarders pushed me aside so they could show their own boarding passes. Then Nena called, I managed to explain to her how I had fought my way and made it in the nick of time just to find out I didn't have my boarding pass with me. She was too stunned to react. Taye immediately took the phone and calmed her down just to prevent a serious bridezilla moment from taking place. “Aisha, I'm so sorry for all the stress. Don’t worry; we’ll name one of our kids after you.” I figured that was good payment for my labour of love. It must have been at this moment that the terrible idea entered his head because the next thing I heard was “I don’t really know any transport companies that would have buses going to Kaduna at this time but……. Alex just told me he was going to drive down.”

            Before I could even reply, my mind had gone from “This Taye boy must be mad. He wants to put you in the same car with that psycho for thirteen hours! ” to “But even though Alex is probably not well; you’ve always had a crush on him. Doesn't that make you slightly insane as well?” Luckily, the sensible part of me got to speak first. “Taye, not in a million years, not when pigs fly, not even when Mama Joy learns to sweep. Never!” I could hear him laughing now; I hoped for his sake that it was a joke. How could he even ask me to survive a thirteen hour journey with Alex! The same person that glued the clothes on his back to the building of his secondary school with super glue to prevent the bulldozers from tearing it down. Nenadi and I had already established that he must have left a sizeable part of his common sense at Customs when he was coming back into Nigeria after getting his University education in Manchester.  We had been classmates since Secondary School and we always had this crush on each other but no kind of crush would make me overlook the fact that he sometimes acted like things were controlling him. Nena took the phone back and started to plead and promise the heavens and the earth if I would just drive down with Alex. “Aisha, please now. You know I would never allow this but I beg you. I feel guilty for making you miss the flight. You don’t even have to talk to him, but you know he’s not always psycho. Taye even said he’s a lot cooler now and he’s always been funny so it might even be fun”. How could these people be telling me he was cooler. The fact that he hadn’t even started his half a day journey said otherwise; but I knew I couldn’t say no. “Tell Taye that for this, I would name your first two children and you know I have a thing for the name Boniface”. She laughed and said Taye would call Alex and have him pick me up. They were about to take off and so they promised to call immediately they landed.

        It was amazing how my day had just taken a turn I would never have seen coming. I had driven through Lagos like a bat out of hell and still missed my flight and now I was about to embark on the longest road trip of my life with my longtime crush/psycho. I took a cab home and waited for Alex to come by so we could get going. It was about 1:00pm before I heard a horn at the gate. My luggage had already gone with Nena and Taye so all I really needed to get to Kano with where the shoes and my sanity.

    I got outside and saw Alex in the car. He’d gotten himself a nice looking Mercedes. What was it he did again? I really had no idea. He looked good. He always had. He was the image that came to mind whenever someone said “tall, dark and handsome”. If I could explain why I had a crush on him that would probably be at the top of the list. Luckily, he didn’t seem to be advocating for any insane causes or exhibiting insane characteristics at the moment. He came out of the car and reached for a hug. ”Hey Aisha, it’s definitely been a while.” It was going well so far but my heels were still prepared for any sudden manifestations. “Yeah, Alex. It has. How have you been? And why exactly are you driving to a wedding that’s thirteen hours away?” He let out a little laugh and he opened the passenger door for me. “Get in. We’ll talk on the way.” And thus the most unbelievable road trip began.

    We had driven for about two hours and I was starving. You know that level of starvation when your stomach begins to make incomprehensible noises and you begin to feel the hunger abs forming…. I had passed that level an hour ago. I had told Alex I was hungry and we needed to stop for food. He said we had barely started the journey and any stop would slow us down. This only calmed me down for about twenty minutes after which I was complaining again. It may be important at this point to mention that I am not the most pleasant person to be around when I’m hungry. I complain and whine and nag like a baby on breast milk.  And believe me I’ve tried but it really can’t be helped. So I gave Alex a little taste of this. Before long, he was miserable “Look Aisha, there are no restaurants around here. You’re distracting me with all your whining.” I complained until I slept. I woke up after what felt like thirty minutes of sleep. Alex had packed the car and was talking to someone outside. I was still too asleep to know where I was but I saw that there were a lot of trees and shrubs around the car. I saw Alex standing a few feet away talking to someone tying a wrapper and there were some funny looking things lying around. A blood stained cutlass, a couple of calabashes, a reddish cloth, an animal? Was this what I thought it was? Was this Alex’s first manifestation of the journey? 

DRIVING WITH CRAZY episode 1

                                    OPERATION GET TO THE AIRPORT!
    
   I’ve been on a little hiatus but I’d like to believe I'm back now and  with the blog’s first ever series. So let the journey begin!

     Five months ago, Taye had proposed to Nenadi, one of my best friends in the most romantic way possible. Well, to some it was really romantic. You see Nenadi and Taye were intellectuals or ‘i-too-know’s whichever you like. They attributed their chemistry to this ‘i-too-knowism’; and so when Taye had proposed by spelling out the words ‘Will you marry me?’ in their scrabble game while they were on holiday in Dubai; it was romantic by Taye standards. Anyway, five minutes later, Nenadi was on the phone with me and we were screaming our earlobes to disfunction. Finally! There would be a wedding, and at the right time too. I was beginning to feel like I hadn't had any owambes in a while so what better way to get out of my rut than with my best friend’s wedding. Before I go on, I realize I haven’t introduced myself, this kind of thing happens often when I'm giving gist. My name is Aisha Usman. I've been friends with Nenadi for as long as I can remember. We've convinced some people that we are cousins because we both come from Southern Kaduna, Nigeria. So back to my gist; after months of running around  the wedding had finally come and we were to leave in a couple of hours for the airport to leave Lagos for Kaduna. Nenadi's parents had refused to compromise on the location. They insisted it would be back home or they wouldn't attend thus the cross country journey.

       Most of the guests had already arrived Kaduna, most had flown down the day before because everyone knew the hassle involved in going from Lagos to Kaduna especially during the holidays. It was the busiest weekend of the year; the weekend before the New Year and Taye, the prompt one of the two love birds had drummed it into everyone’s ears that we had to get to the airport on time so we wouldn't miss our flight but as they say, opposites attract. Nena, as I called her, couldn't be on time or organized to save her life. I’d come to accept that lateness was in her DNA. So as usual, she managed to delay everyone and we ended up leaving the house an hour twenty minutes to the scheduled time for the flight.

           We eventually made our way through the forest of thorns that is Lagos traffic and got to the airport with all of thirty minutes before the flight was scheduled to take off. We checked in and found our way to the waiting lounge. Just as we got settled in the lounge, we heard the announcement that our flight would be delayed due to bad weather. The woman’s voice must have triggered something in Nenadi’s head because she jumped suddenly. We all turned to look at her as she shrieked ‘Aisha, I forgot the shoes!’

        Before I go on, there is a story behind these shoes. Nena was a shoe lover. When she passed her exams, she treated herself with shoes. When she lost weight, she treated herself with shoes but this particular pair was special. For the past six years, we had both put away some money every month so we could comfortably afford a pair of Louboutins for our wedding days which would set us back more than a hundred thousand. Before Taye proposed we had saved about eighty thousand each but when the marriage became imminent Nena bought hers. So you see why these shoes couldn’t be left behind; now back to the story. I knew Nena had to wear those shoes or she would remember it whenever she looked at her wedding pictures so I volunteered to go back and get them as fast as I could. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

         Within seconds, I was in a cab home. Lagos traffic was proving the enemy of my progress. I screamed at the driver to drive faster, he must have been wondering “kilonse eleyi”. After what felt like two hours, I got to the house and just as I got to the door Nena called me. ”Aisha! They just announced boarding. Where are you?” My jaw dropped. What happened to the bad weather that was delaying the plane now? I told her I had just gotten to the house and would be on my way in a minute. It took me almost ten to find the bag with the pair of shoes. I learnt that day that running down the road with a bag containing a box of louboutins in one hand and trying not to draw too much attention to one’s self are two ‘immiscible’ issues. When I got to the road, it was like I had a serious case of chicken pox. No cab would stop for me to get in. In all my years of staying in Lagos, I’d never waited that long for a cab. Finally I got one and I almost fought to driver to let me drive. He must have seen that my desperation was not ordinary because he got to the airport in about twenty minutes. A new record!

        I was so happy to have made it. Nena and Taye had already boarded but the plane had not   taken off yet. I made my way to the desk of the gate agent and she asked for my boarding pass. I felt like I’d just survived the war, I probably looked like it too because some people were staring at me. I began to search the bag for my boarding pass to handover. I searched the first time, nothing. Brought out the box and searched again, nothing. Then it hit me. I’d left my boarding pass in the room!!

To be Continued....  

*I-too-know-  Smarty pants, very intelligent person

*Owambes-    Lagos Parties especially weddings.

*Louboutins-  A brand of high end shoes by designer Christian Louboutin characterised by their beauty and red soles.